My First Spinning Class (Confessions of a Whiner)

As part of switching out my cardio, I went to my first Spinning class the other day.

Hoo, boy.

I instantly knew that I was the only one who had never been to the class previously, as everyone else attending looked like Anatomically Correct Man and Anatomically Correct Woman. They were wearing bicycle shorts, and stretchy tanks, and heart monitors on their wrists. And spinning shoes.

I felt like George Costanza in a terrycloth headband. But I was determined.

The instructor came over and introduced herself, and asked if I had been to a Spinning class before. As if that wasn't painfully obvious. She then helped me adjust my bike, and showed me the three positions they would be using. Then she clipped me into the pedals. (Shit!) The people on the bikes around me were already pedaling. I guess they were warming up. I wasn't warming up. It was a 50-minute class. If I started warming up, I could be finished before class even started.

She turned on the music and shut off the lights, and we started to pedal under a black light. I looked around, admiring how nice and crisp everyone's towel looked under the light. Then I noticed all the lint on my shirt. Oh, for fuck's sake. Well, now I'm distracted.

I tried to see if I could notice lint on anyone else's clothes. Either they were too far away and therefore, couldn't see mine, or I really am a mess. I really need to reorganize my entire life. I have closets I need to clean, I don't have Spinning shoes, my sleep hours are erratic, I should probably mend some fences in my family before everyone drops dead, I need a new couch, and now I have lint on my shirt.

"Turn up your resistance, and get into second position!" Miss 3% Body Fat shouted into her headset.

Everyone grabbed their handlebars and stood up. There was no way I was standing up. It had been like, eight minutes. I still have 42 to go. Pedal, pedal, pedal.

She walked around the room, checking everyone's heart rate monitors with a small flashlight. "If you don't have a heart rate monitor" she bellowed daintily, "check your breathing. You should be able to talk".

Girl, I could sing an entire frikkin' opera right now. You know why? It's been 9 minutes, and I'm imagining myself out for a nice ride out in the country.

She passed by me and gave me an emphatic thumbs-up.

Then my ass started to hurt. I haven't been on a bike in a long time. When the class stood up, I stood up. And it was difficult. Apparently, I have the world's biggest ass. I sat down again. Aaah. That felt temporarily better. But I think I have to pee. Yes, I have to pee. Should I go pee? No, they'll all smile smugly to themselves and think "Wow, newbie, eleven whole minutes?" I'm not peeing.

I have to pee I have to pee I have to pee I have to pee.

Now I think I have a urinary tract infection. I try standing up again. Ohhhh... better. I sit down. I should have peed before we started. If I didn't have a UTI before, I have one now. Screw this. I'm human. I'm going to the bathroom.

And then I realize I can't get my foot out of the pedal strap. Since the instructor did it, I have no idea what she did. It's like, sailing knots. And it's dark. And if I bend over, it puts pressure on my bladder. I try to gently slide my foot out, but it gets caught on my shoelaces. And suddenly, Spinning shoes make a whooole lotta sense.

I'm not sure, but I think I have a hemorrhoid. I can't tell, because my ass's gone numb, except for two points of bone that are jamming right into the rock hard seat. I have to pee I have to pee I have to pee. I wish I had one of those inflatable donut ass pillow things. And we're standing.

OK, fuck this.

I sit, I stand. I increase resistance. This is not so tough. I'm sweating. I'm drinking water. Hey, the water looks cool under the black light! Good thing I'm the Elliptical Queen. La la la la I love Aerosmith.

I made it. I'm breathing normally. I don't have a UTI or a hemorrhoid, but I will pee before the next class. I'm going back on Thursday.

:)