This week's movie reviews

Hello.

Welcome to "Slit Your Wrists July".

This week, I watched "Kolya", a movie about a little Russian boy whose mother leaves him with a senior citizen Czech cellist that she just married for Czech papers, so she can run off to her boyfriend in Germany. "Water", a beautiful film about a girl in India who is married and widowed at the age of 7 and forced to live in an ashram for widows for the rest of her life, never to marry, go to school, or have a life again. "Lilja 4-Ever", about a young girl in Estonia whose mother abandons her and she chooses to leave a life of horrifically depressing abject poverty where she's forced to sell herself to survive, for a possible future in Sweden. And "Efter Bryllupet", starring my boyfriend, Mads Mikkelsen, a Dane in India trying to save orphans whose puppet strings are pulled by a crazy Swede.

Here's what I've learned:

• The world is a horrible, insanely depressing place. If you ever think your life is bad, rent any one of these movies. I'm not saying you'll feel better afterwards. You'll probably go to bed with a cheap bottle of gin and a stale pack of generic cigarettes and lose all hope. My point still is, the world is a horrible, insanely depressing place.

• I'm not so sure what my Netflix profile says about me, and I'm very tempted to shut down my current account and start an entirely new one. Where I give DVD's like "Ron White - They Call Me Tater Salad" and "The Gilmore Girls - Season Five" five stars. If I look at my Netflix account right now, under "Movies You'll Love!", the page is filled with foreign films where everyone dies at the end after a prolonged suffering. What the hell kind of drugs have I been on?

Thank you.

See you again at the end of "Shoot Yourself in the Face" August.

Jesus.