I just have to get this out. Then I'm going to the park and forgetting it.

Every once in a while, I lose it. I'm not proud. Single parenting is hard, and I'm no superhero.

I haven't paid my rent yet. Summer camp for the Kid was more money than I have laying around (thirty-six cents is the amount of money I have laying around, in case you were wondering). I pay for daycare, rent, gas, the electric bill, phone bills, car insurance, food. It all comes out to slightly more than I make in a month. Somehow, we manage.

The Kid's dad makes more money than I do, but never has any money. I discovered it's because he's paying off his debt. Which is admirable, and he'll be a better position in the future to provide for his daughter, but I am scraping by, with minimal help from him. I am scraping so bad, you can hear it. It sounds like a ton of rusty metal on rusty metal. Scraping.

I don't mind not being wealthy. I would prefer to be wealthy, but I'm not suffering. I'm not sleeping in a bathroom in a subway station or living in a homeless shelter. I have a car, a job, a roof over my head. My kid is happy. But for my kid to be happy, her mother has to juggle bills, plead for extensions, take the hit of an interest payment, beg, and borrow. And beg. And borrow.

I called her dad yesterday to tell him that summer camp was a bigger hit than I expected to take, and I would appreciate it if he could throw anything he could my way. Which is when I found out that things are tight for him because he's paying off his past debt.

Which brings me to the only point I'm going to make on this subject today. I get that there's things that you're trying to take care of. I get that your week is busy, and that you don't always "remember" to send that weekly amount. Your weekly amount is a FRACTION of the cost of providing for your child. And when you "forget" to send that amount that I HATE picking up the phone and asking you for, YOUR CHILD GOES WITHOUT. Your child will never go without food. There is nothing that I wouldn't do to provide for her, and I am surrounded by people that would never let this happen. But if I don't get it from you, it still has to be gotten. I have to juggle, and calculate, and distract, and entertain, and go without. So it's great that you're repaying your debt. But when do you repay your debt to me, the woman raising this happy, well-adjusted, funny, caring, intelligent child with the fantastic manners that you have come to love and cherish so much? These years aren't the greatest for me. I'm doing everything I can to not be stressed out around my child. It isn't easy, and I'm not always successful. How much does that come to, and when do you repay that?

Don't worry, you don't have to think about it. I already have the answer for you.

You don't.