You scream "My plane is leaving", I say "Cavity Search"

I am now officially working seven days a week at the airport. It's like child support, without all that pesky idle weekend time.

For the most part, it's been fun. People are grateful when you're standing at the front of the security checkpoint and you smile, or say "Have a nice flight". They usually respond "You too!", then smack themselves in the head.

Things I've learned:
Teach your child how to say "Good morning" as a response. I can't stand it when you say "Good morning" to someone under 18, and they smirk at you blankly, like "I'm not an adult and I don't have to be having this conversation". Yes you freaking do, snotnose.

GET TO THE AIRPORT EARLY. Jesus Christ.

Don't fly up on anyone at the Security Checkpoint yelling about how you only have 5 minutes to catch your flight. No one cares. Get up earlier. I did. Speak softly and politely. You'll be amazed at the results.

A large bottle of liquor is not a carry-on. You bring it, I drink it. 3.4 fluid ounces or less, 1-quart plastic bag, 1 per person. Please refer to the giant sign next to my head that reads "3.4 fluid ounces or less, 1-quart plastic bag, 1 per person". "What if it's 5 ounces?" should not be your next question.

Don't complain to me about how the airport is built, how the design is poor, or how you have to wait for your luggage. It's actually a decent airport. Plus, I didn't tell you to travel with your mother-in-law, and it wasn't me in your bathroom this morning, taking two hours to get ready. I didn't misplace your tickets, I didn't pack your suitcases, and your comb-over is definately not my fault. So shut it.

When I tell you you need to pick up your dog, do so. It's a long line, and no one wants your dog's anus in their baby's face. Don't come at me with "But it's a support dog". Really. Your chihuahua is a support dog. Please show me some service this rodent can provide. I'll wait. A trick, even. How about "Sit"?

New Yorkers do not travel well. I stand and watch them stride out of the concourse like they are half-expecting paparazzi to be waiting.

Kick that runway walk down a notch, darlin', I'm still too sleepy to fully appreciate you.

Then when they show up again to get on their returning flight, they show up at 8am, eager to get back to civilization, but without the necessary caffeine and Vicodan it must take to get them to be human again. I smile and say "Good morning", they glare and ignore me. Because I'm making them wait on a LINE.

Uh-oh. Weh-wenh!