My Step-Baby Mama

When two hookers work for the same pimp, they refer to each other as "Wife-in-Law". I only know this because everything I know comes from TV, and this was covered in a documentary called "Hookers at the Point", about prostitutes in the South Bronx's Hunt's Point.

I've been there. They wave. It's like Lion Safari, but with hookers.

But I digress.

So when you and your boyfriend have a child together, and 14 years ago, he had another child with another hapless soul, how do you refer to the child's mother?

At several unlucky turns during the boyfriend's career path, I wrote out her support checks, at which time I cynically referred to her as my baby mama as I licked and sealed the envelope, but that is neither here nor there. Since the boyfriend and I are no longer together, but the baby mama and I get on like a house on fire, there's still a relationship. Her son is my daughter's half-brother. And frankly, we both get along better with each other than we do with the man that is our degree of separation. We call each other weekly and blab endlessly about this and that while we twirl our hair and crack our gum.

She still tells her son to call me his step-mother, which tickles me to the core. He's a gorgeous angel, and I'm so happy to be a part of his life. "The Kid's Half-Brother's Mom" is awkward. I usually just call her "J's mom", but if "opposite sex life partner" can be wrangled out of the English language, can't something be done for women who have been impregnated by common sperm?

• Uter-sister.
• P.I.C. (Penis in common)
• Half-mamas

Nothing can be done with "in-law", since neither of us got married. (Suckers!) And "out-law" is too Wild-Westy.

Anyway, she's on my mind today. She's in the middle of an ugly divorce. Now she's got two kids, and two disconnected dads. When she and her soon-to-be-ex-husband, Jackass the Redneck, were together, I would call her, and he'd pick up the phone and joke to me about how fat and lazy he felt she was, with her standing right there. Just knocking her down to someone else, to make himself feel better and significant. Which he never will be. I'm sorry that she has to go through a divorce, but so I'm glad he's gone.

So, First Wife, whichever juicy piece of fruit you are on my family tree, this one's for you.